A Black Woman's Perspective on Black Relationships

After my excessively revelatory, full disclosure post about my own issues that plague my search for the "right one", I figured it would be fitting to share further thoughts I've had about these issues. In much the same fashion as my "Unplugged" entry, this installment will be a "cohesive" version of my stream of consciousness - the same stream that continues to push me toward the answers to many questions I've asked myself over the years. It may be equally as personal as "Unplugged"; it may be more personal; it may be less personal. The guarantee I give is that it will be an honest and hopefully objective assessment of both myself and the world around me.

What I've noticed is a very destructive cycle that often happens when relationships between Black men and women begin. But, well, let me be even clearer. This cycle doesn't emerge when Black men and women who have good sense begin relationships. It emerges when those of our race and ethnicity and respective genders with substantial social ineptitude attempt to unite in ways that are mutually destructive. I will call this The Cycle of Relationship Damnation (CRD) and maybe one day I'll publish it somewhere much more public!

Phase 1: Auto-Erotic Emasculation

In the nascent stages of the relationship, the male insists that the female take the lead in courtship. In fact, the tendency is for the male to be "taken care of" inasmuch as he wants a woman who will cook for him, pay for him (and maybe his friends) when they go out, do his laundry, clean his house, and also freak him in the bedroom like she was a video vixen. With the exception of the "freaking" aspect, they are looking for someone who treats them like - yes, you guessed it - their mother. Their concept of love - or at least adoration - is maternally inspired by a woman who routinely catered to his every need as a child and likely never made him take responsibility for any consequences of his actions. Thus, their expectation of male/female relationships includes being with a woman who allows him to just "be himself", who never questions the autonomy of his decisions, and who never chastises him for any wrongdoing. When he finds this woman, Phase 2 begins.

Phase 2: Transferred Emasculation

Once the relationship begins, in earnest, Phase 2 takes over. Since the woman has, up to this point, fulfilled a maternal role for the man, she has become used to providing all sorts of instruction to and for him AND she has settled nicely into a position of psychological authority. She cooks his food, washes his clothes, and takes care of her household and, in some instances, his as well. This leads to her feeling empowered to tell him how to live his life: what to say on the job (if he has one), how to raise his kids, etc. She also takes on the nagging persona, strongly encouraging him to clean up after himself, be a better father, a better lover, and a better person. To emphasize the fact that he is, in many ways, worthless, the woman stresses the fact that SHE takes care of everything and she has the right to tell him what to do and how to do it. If he was capable of being better, she reasons, he would do better. The flaws here are as follows:

She is as willing a participant in this dynamic as he is.
He does not know better; his mother didn't know better either.
As his father was likely not around, there was no male figure around to tell him any better.

As Phase 2 runs it course, the acrimony and animosity brewing comes to a head in a destructive way, often leading to a mutually destructive plateau described as Phase 3.

Phase 3: Mutually Destructive Plateau

Phase 3 is often the most public and mentally draining phase of this dysfunctional relationship. It is the part where the female complains to her friends about how much of a dog the male is, how stupid and lazy he is, and how worthless he is. She seeks validation for her hatred and disdain but fails to recognize and acknowledge her complicity in the situation. Everything is his fault. Nothing is her fault. She routinely vilifies him to whomever will listen, even when that audience includes the male, himself. On the flip side, the male chants a chorus of "she won't let me be a man" and justifies his imminent infidelity with a flawed rationale outlining how low she makes him feel. He seeks validation from his friends, but not for hatred. He wants validation for the cheating. If his boys don't think he should do it, he won't do it. But, chances are his friends are in equally dysfunctional relationships and are in the same phase so their recommendations for their friend only seek to validate their own urges to step outside of their relationship. Phase 3 ends in many outings to nightclubs, nights spent with random people, and verbal domestic disputes.

Phase 4: Termination and Perpetuation

Phase 4 signals the end of the relationship. The female is tired of taking care of the male and the male, ironically enough (since he initiated this cycle), is tired of being treated like a child. While the end of the relationship is the best thing that could happen in this situation, it's the perpetuation of the cycle that is most unfortunate. Neither party learns anything from their experience and, as such, both are doomed to repeat it. What is worse, though, is that if there are any children involved, those children pick up the bad relationship habits of their parents and repeat them as well.

People, we really need to start taking some serious looks at how we get into failed relationships and thoroughly examine the decisions we make that create the situations we inhabit. None of us are victims, at all, and need to recognize the moments in which a different decision could mean the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and a healthy one. More often than not, the healthiest relationship we can have is the one with ourselves but it's the one we fear the most.

WELCOME TO MY LITTLE CORNER!!

So, for a while, those of you that are my trusted and loyal FB Note readers have been suggesting that I start a blog. Well, here it finally is. I decided to open the blog with a favorite note of mine from FB that, unfortunately, still holds true to my social situation currently. I think what I will also do is begin chronicling the bad dates that my IRC friends have heard about so that everybody can take part in the coonery and foolery that is my dating life. Feel free to comment, argue, disagree, agree, laugh, or even cry when reading some of the things I post. I don't claim to know everything, but I do know that my life should be somebody's movie or book and I should get some phat royalties LOL!

Treatise on Why I Am Single

The past few days have truly been eye opening for me in so many ways. As I wind down one professional endeavor and head cautiously, but confidently, into the next, I seem to be bombarded by these situations that reflect a personal life that is, shall we say, on its way to ruin LOL! I've consulted with my male and female friends, thinking there was something I was missing in all this; that somehow or somewhere, there was an answer to all that continued to elude me for its own, personal well being and comedic value. The answer, however, is simple.

Niggas ain't shit.

Now, before you self-respecting, do right by women, handle your business, non-insane brothers get your boxers all in a bunch, know that I am not talking about you. But I must take some artistic liberty with a particular line from that profound anthropologist, Katt Williams, and say, "Don't be offended by my calling you [niggas]. I just don't know all your names." I do know that there are men out there who are holding it down the way a real man is supposed to; you take care of your families, don't cheat on your women, respect all women, maintain a job, and exude a quiet confidence that reaffirms to all women that you, in fact, DO exist.

I'm talking about the ne'er do well, trifling bastards who give ya'll a bad name and cause women to generalize and stereotype based upon the negative interactions these fools pull us into. Try as I might to stay above the fray, I find that more often than not, I'm rolling my eye at some niggie for something he has either said or done - or both. The refrain with which I'm most often met when the eyes begin to roll is that I think I'm "too good".

Let me be very clear; I am. But let me also be more specific. I'm too good FOR YOUR DUMB ASS. Despite the elitism that my friends and family recognize and comment on as a flaw in my personal character, I do not think I'm better than everybody; but I DO admit I'm better than most people and, quite frankly, there's nothing wrong with that. We are social animals that divide ourselves hierarchically and I, personally, see myself closing in on the top. However, those of you that know me know that when I'm in a relationship, all that shit falls to the wayside. Swarthmore, PhD program, Executive Director position means nothing within the context of being held by the man you love even if he only went to Community College or, even better, has no college credit of which to speak. I'm not interested in the money you make, as long as you can take care of yourself. I don't care if you have a degree or not as long as we can have a close game of Scrabble when we play. I don't care what kind of car you drive, as long as it runs and you don't stay asking me to play chauffeur. I am not materialistic in the least, but I am "intellectualistic". Kevin Quinn, I know that is not a word :). If your world is comprised solely of watching the latest music videos and drooling over Nicky Minaj (who IS she, anyway?) and playing video games, you simply have very little to offer me in the realm of things that actually matter to me.

The second refrain with which I am often met is that my standards are too high. I beg to differ. Many of you who know my relationship history could actually argue the opposite is true LOL and I would have to agree! Yes, literacy is critical. You have to know how to read. But beyond that obvious stuff, I have solidified standards that harken back to my sage grandfather, the man from whom I have gotten my notions on how men and women are supposed to interact. Men are supposed to ask ladies for their phone number; men should pull out chairs for women; men should always walk curbside. Yes, it is old fashioned. Yes, it is perhaps antiquated. But it, most importantly, is what I believe. These signs, as small as they are, communicate to me that you, as a man, "get it" on a fundamental level. Now, how you choose to behave AFTER all this is a whole other prayer meeting, but in those first few dates or conversations together, a man should, well, "man up". Take charge. I find that a lot of guys want to assume this macho stance and take charge in all kinds of ways but fail to assume the responsibility that comes along with it. I think guys, in general, would find that if they treated women with respect, we may cook for you far more often and have far fewer "headaches". Guys, these days, want to put in the least amount of effort yet EXPECT maximum results.

Not having it. You guys think that because there is a "shortage" of "eligible" Black men, you can act all willy nilly and disrespectfully and that we, as Black women seeking meaningful relationships, should accept the dregs of your behavior. NO THANK YOU. I need to be clear here as well; I would much rather remain single and alone than deal with the bullshit that comes with being in a situation with a man who respects neither himself nor me. You think I'm staying home to cook while you stay at the club? Negative. You think I'm going to treat you like a king when you try and treat me like the jester? I decline. If you can't respect me, and your behavior confirms such, I don't need to be with you and I won't be with you. It's just that simple.

*Exhale*. I should reiterate that if you are a brother who is holding it down, none of this applies to you in any way. I respect your gangsta and your hustle.

If I can't be the Michelle to your Barack, I will not settle for being the Kim Porter to your Puffy.