A Story of Forgiveness Pt. 1

There were many thoughts in my head this morning when this entry began forming. The theme of it all was forgiveness and trying to figure out what it, actually, is and how you go about forgiving and being forgiven. I guess you really only have control over the former, but so often the latter is equally as important - especially if you've led your life as an asshole. Thankfully, that is not my experience.

Ssshhh, no comments from the Peanut Gallery! :)

I've also tried, in my thoughts both this morning and now, to figure out if the need to be forgiven is purely selfish and, if so, is that selfishness ok?

Eh. I dunno. I'll just dive right in and maybe this will make sense in the end.

Initially, as I took stock of my life (yes, all 33 years and 8 months), I thought about the wacktacular things I've done. Most of them have simply affected me, but there was one incident that affected another person. Those of you who have known me since Swat days will recall this situation (especially as one of you figures quite prominently) as one of the times when you had to say, "Damn, E, that wasn't even right." At the time, my metacognitive skills were not developed enough to appropriately reflect upon and agree with your sentiments. It took some time but, eventually, I had to agree. I had to recognize that my behavior was not what it should have been, given the circumstances. Time changes a lot, I guess.

I was a freshman and he was a senior. He was tall and chocolatey, we sang in the same a cappella group and he was, quite honestly, the sweetest guy I've met to this day. He was my first real "boyfriend" after having graduated from a fairly conservative, rigid boarding school which was a natural segue that followed being raised in very conservative, rigid household and church. I could smell freedom in the air and it smelled like, ummm, like fried chicken!

.....anyway. Sorry, I just worked out so there may be many irrelevant food references embedded in my saga.

Idris (no, this is not his name - names have been changed to protect the innocent LOL) and I met through a mutual friend in one of the campus dining halls and, while I don't remember the exact details of our relationship union, I do remember spending a good amount of time on Parrish Beach in the fall, watching him smile and thinking life was just grand. He sang to me, made me laugh, and was always supportive when I most needed it but somewhere, and I don't know where or why, it all went sideways and things changed. Well, let me take some accountability and responsibility and say that *I* changed. I think I was starting to feel a little bit more confident in myself as a woman and I began understanding the effect that my feminine wiles had on the opposite sex. In any event, I became a bit distant and I'm sure I picked a fight or two. Through it all, though, he remained unchanged. He never openly questioned my abrupt changes in mood and disposition, though I'm sure he did so with his friends, and he never once accused me of anything.

Though, he rightfully should have. And, eventually, he did when I gave him no other option.

I had gone home for the Thanksgiving holiday - no, wait, maybe it was Christmas? Doesn't matter :). I was home for a holiday and this other guy I'd had a crush on before I left for college, who had subsequently become a Marine (Lawd, maybe this is where my armed forces situations began LOL), was in the neighborhood. We hung out and definitely got inappropriately close, considering my relationship status at the time. Idris was the farthest thing from my mind in that moment and all I cared about was enjoying my holiday in all the ways that presented themselves.

When I got back to campus, Idris and I were hanging out in my room and he fell asleep on those ever so comfortable XL twin beds that dominate college culture. I took this time to get on the phone with my roommate (who was still at her parents' house) to share the events of my holiday because, of course, when you're young and stupid, these sorts of stories cannot wait until more appropriate times. So she and I spoke and I told her everything that had happened, thinking Idris was asleep or, maybe, secretly hoping he wasn't. After the conversation and the laughter, Idris "woke up", bid me adieu, and went back to his room across campus. The storm was a-brewing AND it was my fault. Pride comes before the fall right? Yeah, well, hubris is just so ugly and it clouds your rational and logical vision in such a way as to make you think you're infallibly amazing. Man. 18 just seems so long ago.

I digress.......

Later that night Idris called and asked me to come to his room so I threw on my shoes and a jacket and made the journey across campus. As soon as I opened the door, I knew this was the moment I'd been both avoiding and praying for, simultaneously. And it wasn't that me and this other dude were even going to be kicking it; I just didn't want to be in the relationship with Idris anymore and I didn't know why and, thus, I didn't know how to tell him. My communicative skills were late bloomers and instead of owning up to my infidelities, I turned the situation around with such ridiculous logic that I laugh about its absurdity. Idris confronted me with everything I'd said on the phone and my response was, "You totally misunderstood what I was saying. I can't believe you think I'd cheat on you. I didn't do anything but now, with all this going on, I wish I had." I backed out of the room, closed (slammed?) the door behind me, and walked back to my room.

And it was over just that quickly.

We never spoke after that until about 5 years ago. I had moved to Philadelphia for a new job and actively sought him out - on Facebook (or MySpace???) of all places LOL! My behavior back in 1995 had so plagued my conscience that I felt it absolutely necessary to see him and say, earnestly, that I was sorry. I told my friends about this plan and they all thought it was a good idea. I mean, since when is apologizing for being a bitch NOT a good idea?

So I found him on FB and invited him to my housewarming/birthday celebration that year. Quite a few friends from college were there and they knew the situation and helped me plan on finding a way to get Idris alone so that I wasn't terribly embarrassed. It didn't work. He showed up to the party looking tasty and delicious and it was in that moment - and it has not happened since, actually - that I thought to myself, "Damn, E, you REALLY fucked up" LOL! I guess the confidence that took all of 3 months to grow and blossom in me when I was 18 had taken him a few years to gain. But, my God today, he was wearing it extraordinarily well! His music had taken off, he was prepping for a tour, and he was just happy with life. I kicked myself for being an asswipe and knew that it was even more important for me to make some sort of amends so when he decided to head back to his place, I volunteered to walk to the train station and wait with him. This would have been a perfect moment to begin the dialogue but I chickened out.

Fear of rejection is not just reserved for when you want to express interest in someone, apparently. I was deathly afraid that his response to my apology and request for forgiveness wouldn't be positive. The part of me, now, that is older and more mature recognizes that, perhaps, his very presence at my event was evident of his forgiveness and having moved forward. But back then that wasn't enough so, with this failed attempt behind me, I devised another way to be in his presence to have this long overdue conversation.

I have a really bad habit of constructing these elaborate scenarios when all I need to do is speak up. But whatevs :)

I managed to get back in touch with him and we planned to meet up so I could go hear him play at some pub. At the pub, I was so nervous that I kept drinking. Yeah, I drink when I'm nervous. Big revelation LOL! By the time he was done playing and it was time to leave, the speech I had prepared to give had been forgotten - and I couldn't drive. Idris had to drive us back to his place where, true to form, he kindly let me sleep my intoxication off in his bed while he stayed in his living room working on his latest musical composition. When I woke up, it was morning, he was still awake, and I STILL hadn't done what I'd planned to do so, in consistent Erin fashion, I engaged in random conversation that seemed germane to the environmental circumstances and suggested we grab some breakfast before I went home. He agreed and we ended up at a diner that, ironically, was down the street and around the corner from another ex (gotta leave Philly alone). It was as we ate that I finally conceded my ulterior motive. I really think I was in the middle of sprinkling salt on my scrambled eggs when I said, "Umm, so there's actually a reason I've wanted to catch up with you as of late." Once that was out, I couldn't turn back so I sheepishly spoke directly into my food just in case he was giving me the side eye. I apologized, owned up to everything that had happened, and partially explained why it was so important that we had this conversation. His response? "Thank you". (he likely said other things, but that's all I heard)

And, with that, a decade of guilt was gone and I knew that he had deserved better than what I gave him. Would his life have continued without my inserting myself as a result of a personal need to clear my own conscience? Obviously. Has my apology changed his life in any way? Likely not. But I'd like to think that absolute closure in this regard was a nice thing to have. It was so overdue and I knew that there was an area in my life, equally 10 years in the making, that needed closure and I figured since I'd likely never get it there, the least I could do was give it to Idris, whether he needed it or not. He deserved it.