I have a really good friend I've known since I was a freshman in college. Since I'm 36, as of the writing of this particular post, I have known her half of my life. She knows a lot about me and my habits, of course, and I'm pretty confident I know a lot about her and her habits. One of our mutual habits is the need for food at particular times of the day. Breakfast, as it turns out, is one of the meals we like to have often. I prefer mine daily. Her? Maybe less so! When we're able to grab breakfast together, she knows what I'll be ordering and I know what she'll be ordering. My order is boring. There is a lot of swine. My homegirl?
"I'd like two eggs, over medium."
OK. I don't know how many of you enjoy this particular style of egg but, from what I can tell, it's hard to get right. An egg cooked not long enough is over easy - no bueno. An egg cooked too long is over hard - no bueno. The over medium egg is more art than science, I've come to find out, and many chefs we've experienced are not artists. The eggs rarely come out the way she wants them and I ask, "Yo, WHY do you keep ordering eggs over medium? You know they never get it right!" and I have this, like, annoyed, exasperated, but still sort of amused chuckle that accompanies the question I've been asking her for almost twenty years. And her response has been the same...
"Because one day, they'll get it right."
And such is the crux of the breakfast quagmire. Do you order what you know is easy for people to make? Or do you keep trying to get the thing you want because you know, when you get it, it'll be divine?
These are the same questions I find myself asking as I try to navigate this mystical world of dating in the 21st century. I bet you didn't think I could make eggs and dating go together. You were wrong.
It's ok.
So, yeah, that response, or rather the spirit behind it, is the crux of both the breakfast quagmire as well as the dating quagmire. As I mentioned earlier, I'm 36. When you round up, my age becomes 40. So I'm almost 40, I'm (deliberately) single, I have a dog and a cat (because having more than 1 cat automatically equals Cat Lady status), own my own home, and drive a car that's leased under my name. I work, I go to the gym, and I spend more time with spreadsheets that I ever thought was humanly possible.
I enjoy my single life to the extent that I am extraordinarily appreciative of the freedom I have. I've been in relationships where I just wished I was out of them on any given day. I also know people who stay in relationships simply because they are afraid to be alone. I am thankful to every possible deity that this is not my reality. Instead, I'm kind of just a serial dater but, even more than that and perhaps more accurately, I just have an active online dating presence. I have profiles on POF and OK Cupid, and just wrapped up a profoundly disappointing year with eHarmony and Match.com.
What I have come to realize, while keeping these profiles on the free sites (mind you, paying for a site doesn't make the crop any more wonderful), is that I am likely going to remain single forever. While I had some wild days in my 20s, those times are long past and I'm a bit older and more mature in my outlook on life. I expect men to take the lead, particularly if they subscribe to the notion that the man is the "head of the household" and all that such suchery. Yes, I do prefer expressions of traditional gender roles and I do so unapologetically.
However, having these expectations, and even being pretty clear about them in conversations, doesn't seem to mean much of anything.
"....one day, they'll get it right."
I like to think that my profiles are sufficiently informative. My POF profile is pretty brief and concise, while my OK Cupid profile is a bit longer and has more information in it. However, both profiles definitely paint the picture of someone who knows what she wants and who expects a certain level of respect when being approached. So either the guys who respond to the profile don't read (which is highly likely) or they DO read and believe that I'm actually just kidding (equally as likely). You wouldn't believe the kinds of notes I get. Seriously. You wouldn't. So, in order for you to understand the depths of my struggle, here are some screenshots. Think, like, Buzzfeed meets, ummm, meets......Just kind of maybe think of this as a sort of Buzzfeed situation. To my Facebook friend, you can stop reading now because you've already seen these photos on my page LOL but feel free to direct your friends here so they
, too, can revel in the tomfoolery herein.
For the purposes of continuity, I will rate these fools like my homegirl rates her eggs: over easy, over medium, and over hard. An over easy man is somebody so sloppy and lazy that they either think you're easy or they actually ARE easy. Over hard men are those extra freaky, nasty message sending guys with names like freaknasty69 (an ode to a friend of mine who always seems to get notes from guys with some variation of 69 in their usernames). Over easy and over hard can be difficult to distinguish, even for someone who has made the term up, so I'm open to disagreements about who is what. BUT over medium is that perfect guy; the one with everything you need. He won't be on this post because I can't laugh at him because there's nothing funny or inappropriate about who he is or what he has said or done.
I will ALSO use, perhaps all the time, my new obsession with Tinder lingo. For those of you that don't know, Tinder is an app that allows you to anonymously judge someone, and whether you want to meet or get to know them, solely by their looks. It links to Facebook so you can choose the photos you want to post (as you usually can with these sorts of things). If you do NOT want to meet someone, you swipe the photo to the left and it's all "Nope" for them! If you DO want to meet someone, you swipe their photo to the right and it's all "Liked" for them! So, I may say, for some, #leftswipe or #rightswipe and, now, you'll know what I mean.
So, let us begin!
#LEFTSWIPEALLDAMNDAY
Number 2.
Over easy AND I'm not sure he's really looking for the things that I, as a woman with lady parts, really have to offer. I understand that it's important to demonstrate that you workout in your home (or your grandmother's home), but the longing eyes and the "Leroy from Fame" braids WITH the accessories on the ends, say to me that maybe I should introduce you to some other friends of mine..........
#LEFTSWIPE
Number 3.
OK,
so here we have a fairly attractive dude who sent the first note over
on the left. We had never spoken and I had no idea who he was when I
got his note. I checked his profile, mainly out of curiosity, and then
replied, as you can see on the left. I mean, what the hell else was I
supposed to say? So, apparently, he was shocked by the ambivalence of
my reply, as you can see on the right. And, I guess everybody thinks
every city/town in CT is near every other city/town in CT. I'm here to
tell you, it ain't. And even if it ain't, sir, I could not care less
where you were going to be on the weekend in question. Over hard and a QUICK #leftswipe for you.Number 4.
But the other piece of this that is disturbing is that guys tend to always want to offer their number before they even know my name. I hate that and find it presumptuous and obnoxious. What has this world come to where men, who will often say they want to be the head of the household and run things, always want women to call or pursue them? I am not about that life at all, in any way. In fact, I wrote another blog entry about this phenomenon and how destructive it is. Just sad. SAD!
I mean, basically, dating in the 21st century is already a really tricky situation. Online dating sites and dynamic shifts in gender roles and relationships expectations have created atmospheres wherein finding the right person is damn near impossible. It's like finding a needle in a haystack or, in the words of my friend, trying to chase that ever evasive over medium egg.
#exhale #lesigh #mylifeat36
Sometimes it's really tempting to just kind of go with what's easiest; date the person who just appears and demonstrates a base level of interest and doesn't cause problems. But that's a lot like just grabbing the low hanging fruit - that which is most convenient, not that which is the juiciest and most wonderful. While it is sometimes painful, we need to make sure that loneliness does not drive us into the arms or lives of the wrong person, a #leftswipe.
It's a challenge and an annoyance to keep trying different things before the over medium eggs finally appear on your plate. But, hell. I'll wait.
Because one day, it'll be right. He'll be right. The situation will be right.
Girl, good for you for the patience you exhibit in continuing to deal with this foolishness to possibly meet someone great! I, on the other hand have chosen what's easiest and that is to simply not date, lol.
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