A Black Woman's Perspective on Black Relationships

After my excessively revelatory, full disclosure post about my own issues that plague my search for the "right one", I figured it would be fitting to share further thoughts I've had about these issues. In much the same fashion as my "Unplugged" entry, this installment will be a "cohesive" version of my stream of consciousness - the same stream that continues to push me toward the answers to many questions I've asked myself over the years. It may be equally as personal as "Unplugged"; it may be more personal; it may be less personal. The guarantee I give is that it will be an honest and hopefully objective assessment of both myself and the world around me.

What I've noticed is a very destructive cycle that often happens when relationships between Black men and women begin. But, well, let me be even clearer. This cycle doesn't emerge when Black men and women who have good sense begin relationships. It emerges when those of our race and ethnicity and respective genders with substantial social ineptitude attempt to unite in ways that are mutually destructive. I will call this The Cycle of Relationship Damnation (CRD) and maybe one day I'll publish it somewhere much more public!

Phase 1: Auto-Erotic Emasculation

In the nascent stages of the relationship, the male insists that the female take the lead in courtship. In fact, the tendency is for the male to be "taken care of" inasmuch as he wants a woman who will cook for him, pay for him (and maybe his friends) when they go out, do his laundry, clean his house, and also freak him in the bedroom like she was a video vixen. With the exception of the "freaking" aspect, they are looking for someone who treats them like - yes, you guessed it - their mother. Their concept of love - or at least adoration - is maternally inspired by a woman who routinely catered to his every need as a child and likely never made him take responsibility for any consequences of his actions. Thus, their expectation of male/female relationships includes being with a woman who allows him to just "be himself", who never questions the autonomy of his decisions, and who never chastises him for any wrongdoing. When he finds this woman, Phase 2 begins.

Phase 2: Transferred Emasculation

Once the relationship begins, in earnest, Phase 2 takes over. Since the woman has, up to this point, fulfilled a maternal role for the man, she has become used to providing all sorts of instruction to and for him AND she has settled nicely into a position of psychological authority. She cooks his food, washes his clothes, and takes care of her household and, in some instances, his as well. This leads to her feeling empowered to tell him how to live his life: what to say on the job (if he has one), how to raise his kids, etc. She also takes on the nagging persona, strongly encouraging him to clean up after himself, be a better father, a better lover, and a better person. To emphasize the fact that he is, in many ways, worthless, the woman stresses the fact that SHE takes care of everything and she has the right to tell him what to do and how to do it. If he was capable of being better, she reasons, he would do better. The flaws here are as follows:

She is as willing a participant in this dynamic as he is.
He does not know better; his mother didn't know better either.
As his father was likely not around, there was no male figure around to tell him any better.

As Phase 2 runs it course, the acrimony and animosity brewing comes to a head in a destructive way, often leading to a mutually destructive plateau described as Phase 3.

Phase 3: Mutually Destructive Plateau

Phase 3 is often the most public and mentally draining phase of this dysfunctional relationship. It is the part where the female complains to her friends about how much of a dog the male is, how stupid and lazy he is, and how worthless he is. She seeks validation for her hatred and disdain but fails to recognize and acknowledge her complicity in the situation. Everything is his fault. Nothing is her fault. She routinely vilifies him to whomever will listen, even when that audience includes the male, himself. On the flip side, the male chants a chorus of "she won't let me be a man" and justifies his imminent infidelity with a flawed rationale outlining how low she makes him feel. He seeks validation from his friends, but not for hatred. He wants validation for the cheating. If his boys don't think he should do it, he won't do it. But, chances are his friends are in equally dysfunctional relationships and are in the same phase so their recommendations for their friend only seek to validate their own urges to step outside of their relationship. Phase 3 ends in many outings to nightclubs, nights spent with random people, and verbal domestic disputes.

Phase 4: Termination and Perpetuation

Phase 4 signals the end of the relationship. The female is tired of taking care of the male and the male, ironically enough (since he initiated this cycle), is tired of being treated like a child. While the end of the relationship is the best thing that could happen in this situation, it's the perpetuation of the cycle that is most unfortunate. Neither party learns anything from their experience and, as such, both are doomed to repeat it. What is worse, though, is that if there are any children involved, those children pick up the bad relationship habits of their parents and repeat them as well.

People, we really need to start taking some serious looks at how we get into failed relationships and thoroughly examine the decisions we make that create the situations we inhabit. None of us are victims, at all, and need to recognize the moments in which a different decision could mean the difference between a dysfunctional relationship and a healthy one. More often than not, the healthiest relationship we can have is the one with ourselves but it's the one we fear the most.